Sunday, 16 June 2013

Dear Dad.....

Dear Dad,

I guess this has been a long time coming.

I know our relationship has never been an easy one. When you and mum split up we were so young and you moved so far away.  At first none of use wanted to see you, but as we grow older we came across to Liverpool and you came across to Wakefield to see us every few months.  You had a good job and met a lovely new girlfriend who we all loved.

Our relationship continued like this for years and it worked for us. You'd ring once a week and we talk about all sorts.

But there was one thing that you seemed to love above anything else. Alcohol. You got it from your Dad, my granddad. When I was younger I was oblivious too it. But over the years it became more and more apparent that alcohol was your mistress.

It effect your relationship with us as well as with Marg. As we became older, the visits became less and less frequent. The telephone calls were still weekly but I could tell the second I spoke to you if you were drunk. You slurred your words and told me the she thing over and over again and our relationship became full of  broken promises.

Then my beloved Nana passed away. She was the best thing in your life. She put you on the straight and narrow and no one ever defy her. She was the rock of your world. The family rallied for her funeral and for a moment I, we, felt like I had my dad back. But your way of copying was by drinking more and more heavily.

You didn't seem to care any more. About anything. You didn't eat, you stopped looking after yourself. You forgot about us.

We tried really hard to help you. You'd promise us that you would stop drinking, that you wanted to stop drinking, that you wanted to see us grow old. And for a time, it seemed that you were true to your word. I would always tell when you didn't rely on your mistress. You are quite, softly spoken. You asked about us, how we are, our lives. And we would tell you how proud we were of you and that we couldn't wait to see you again.

But it never lasted.

Then within the period of 18 months we suffered three more losses. First Granddad, then your brother and then Marg... All three hit you hard. Especially Marg. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't breathe when you told me. I cant imagine what you must of been feeling. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to look after you. I wanted to tell you that it would be ok. but it wasn't... After everything that had happened, this was the final straw. Your heart was broken and no one could do anything to fix it. Part of you died on that day too. The funeral was horrible. I hated seeing you so upset. I didn't know what I could do. You drinking began really bad. Id never seen you in such a state.

I didn't know what to do. You're my dad, you're supposed to worry about me, what trouble I'm getting in, that my boyfriend is treating me right. But its the other way around. I feel so guilty because we've abandon you. But it was killing me. You were killing me. Seeing someone I love so much killing them self with drink. I worry every day that I am going to get a phone call that will destroy my life, that will leave three kids without a father.

You have two beautiful grandsons, one of which you have never seen. The other you have seen once. If you don't want to get better for us, do it for them.

We can't offer you any more help. Can't try and force you to get better. The disease you have can only be cured by you wanting to get better. It will be hard. But only you can decide if you going to let it continue to kill you.

We will always be here. Go to the phone box and ring us... even just so we know your alive.

Happy Father's day Dad.


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